Pittsburgh on Alert as ‘Giant Radioactive Potato’ Roams Downtown

Pittsburgh on Alert as ‘Giant Radioactive Potato’ Roams DowntownPittsburgh on Alert as ‘Giant Radioactive Potato’ Roams Downtown Panic erupted in Pittsburgh on Thursday as reports of a “giant radioactive potato” roaming the city’s downtown area sent authorities into high alert. Witnesses described the colossal spud as being at least the size of a small car, emitting a strange green glow and causing electronic devices to malfunction in its vicinity. “It was like something out of a horror movie,” exclaimed resident Martha Jones. “The potato was just rolling down the street, knocking over cars and setting off alarms.” The city’s emergency services were immediately mobilized, with police and hazmat teams cordoning off the affected area. However, attempts to approach the radioactive monstrosity proved unsuccessful. “The radiation levels are simply too high,” said Dr. Emily Carter, the city’s chief health officer. “We’re advising residents to stay indoors and avoid making unnecessary contact with the potato.” Scientists from the nearby University of Pittsburgh have been called in to investigate the phenomenon. Initial theories suggest that the potato may have been genetically modified or exposed to some unknown type of radiation. “It’s truly an unprecedented event,” said Dr. James Thompson, a professor of botany. “We’ve never encountered anything like this before.” Amidst the chaos, a group of amateur potato farmers have emerged as unlikely allies in the fight against the giant tuber. Led by local potato enthusiast Fred Jenkins, they have devised a plan to neutralize the potato using a concoction of vinegar and baking soda. “We figure, if you can’t beat ’em, neutralize ’em,” said Jenkins. “We’ll just have to play it by carrot and try our best.” As the city braces for the next move of the enigmatic radioactive potato, authorities urge residents to remain vigilant and follow official instructions. The fate of Pittsburgh now hangs in the balance, as the battle between man and potato wages on.